The Courage to Own Our Power

The Courage to Own Our Power 

How taking responsibility for our freedom is key to both individual and relational empowerment 

Have you ever found yourself thinking something like this in a relationship? 

If they would just communicate better, things would feel easier. If they were just more motivated, I could relax. If they would just go to therapy, exercise more, or work on themselves, we would be okay. 

Most of us have had some version of these thoughts. 

When something feels off in a relationship, it is very natural to look outward. We notice our partner’s habits, blind spots, emotional reactions, and growth pace. We begin to imagine that if they would just shift, everything would settle. 

This is what existential psychology refers to as externalisation: Instead of sitting with our own freedom and responsibility, we shift our attention onto another person. 

It is not malicious. It is protective. This escape frees us from the discomfort of being with our own experience. If the freedom of choice lies with another, then so does the responsibility. Saying “It’s you” can create a sense of temporary relief or stability. 

But when we focus intensely on what our partner needs to change, we are unknowingly stepping away from our own power. 

The more we avoid taking responsibility for our freedom, the more we abandon ourselves. And the more we abandon ourselves, the more we give away our power. 

Outsourcing Our Power 

Most of us say we want freedom. We want choice. We want agency. We want to feel empowered in our relationships. We want to feel that we are shaping our lives rather than simply reacting to them. But when we come face-to-face with the reality of freedom, it can feel destabilising. 

As Viktor Frankl highlighted, freedom is not freedom from, but freedom to respond to life. Life is not merely lived, but interpreted through responsibility; taking responsibility for our choices allows us to find meaning and, thus, fulfilment. 

When we do not feel confident holding our own power, we often begin to outsource it. We start to make our partner responsible for things that were never meant to belong to them. 

Our emotional stability becomes dependent on their behaviour. Our motivation becomes dependent on their choices. Our sense of direction becomes dependent on their growth. 

But power that depends on someone else is not really power. It becomes a form of codependency, where our reality and meaning-making are determined by the actions of another. 

My mother had a simple mantra when I was growing up: “Own your power, or someone else will.” 

If we do not claim our power ourselves, it does not simply disappear. It gets redistributed. And giving our power to another person is not a responsibility they should want or a burden they should bear. The same is true in the other direction: we are not meant to take responsibility for our partner’s freedom either. 

When we reclaim our responsibility in this way, we begin to return to something fundamental: our sovereignty. 

Sovereignty Creates Intimacy 

Healthy intimacy is not built on surrendering our personal power. It is built on sovereignty. 

Sovereignty means I belong to myself: My emotions are mine to tend to. My growth is mine to pursue. My boundaries are mine to uphold. My values are mine to embody. 

When two people meet from this place, the relationship becomes something very different from dependency. It becomes a connection between two individuals who are each willing to take responsibility for their own freedom. 

Owning our power - and tolerating the responsibility that comes with freedom - is what allows us to feel grounded in our sovereignty. 

Paradoxically, this sovereignty often creates the conditions for deeper intimacy. 

The Discomfort of Holding Our Power 

Reclaiming our power is not only a philosophical idea. We must learn to tolerate existential discomfort - the uneasy sensation that arises when we realise we are free to choose - even if only our responses. 

This requires courage. 

The courage to tolerate the discomfort of freedom. The courage to stop abandoning ourselves. The courage to stop outsourcing our power. 

And the courage to remember that, ultimately, our lives belong to us. 

Owning our power might sound something like this: 

I will regulate myself. I will focus on my response. I will step out of dynamics that do not feel aligned. I will invest in my health. I will practice mindfulness. I will learn the new recipe. I will build the life I want. 

Not as a reaction to my partner, but as an expression of myself. 

Turning Toward Ourselves 

Reclaiming our power means gently redirecting our attention back to what is actually ours to hold. Turn toward yourself and ask the questions: 

Where might I be avoiding the discomfort of owning my power? 

Am I asking my partner to meet needs and hold responsibility I have not yet learned to hold for myself? 

This is not an invitation to shame yourself. It is an invitation to radical compassion and accountability. 

Regulation Is Foundational 

This work is not purely cognitive. It is also embodied. 

We often outsource our power because we become dysregulated. Learning to regulate our nervous system helps us hold our power without becoming overwhelmed by it. 

This might look like slowing the breath, lengthening the exhale, placing a hand on the heart, or simply noticing sensations in the body before reacting. 

These small practices gradually build our capacity to stay present with difficult emotions rather than projecting outward. 

There is no “right” choice - only the next choice 

Many people hesitate to claim their freedom because they are afraid of making the wrong choice. 

What if I fail? What if I get hurt? What if I embarrass myself? What if I regret it? 

A big truth we need to embrace is that there is no perfect choice. There is only the next choice. 

We learn to accept the certainty of uncertainty, trust that we can handle what arises, and allow our values to guide us. 

Ask yourself: 

How would love move me right now? How would confidence move me? How would determination move me? How would self-respect move me? 

Move in that direction, even if fear accompanies you. 

Cultivating Interdependence 

It is important to say something clearly here: at its heart, this work is about both individual and relational empowerment. 

Owning our power is not about having to go it alone. It is not about refusing help, suppressing our needs, or becoming completely self-contained systems that remain untouched by the people we love. Humans are not designed that way. We are attachment-wired, relational beings who are meant to rest and flourish in one another’s presence and care. 

Owning our power allows relationships to move toward interdependence. 

Interdependence emerges when two people remain grounded in their own agency while also allowing the relationship to matter deeply. Each person takes responsibility for their own inner world while remaining open to connection, care, and mutual influence. 

Real intimacy means accepting that the person we love remains a sovereign individual. They have their own mind, their own path, their own growth to undertake. They cannot be managed into becoming who we need them to be. 

And we, in turn, cannot hand them responsibility for living our lives. 

Owning our power allows us to stay connected without losing ourselves. It asks us to remain accountable for our feelings, our actions, and the direction of our lives, even while we are in relationship. 

Two people who are rooted in themselves and do not long to possess or surrender to one another, but mutually empower, become a place where both people are supported in becoming more fully themselves. 

In this way, the courage to own our power does not distance us from love. 

It is precisely what allows love to become free, mutual, and deeply alive.