You are not alone

Oct 9

The following blog has to do with Sexual Assault and the Cornell case. Please take care of yourself and only read if you feel safe to do so.

I had to sit with this for a while before I could put words on the screen.

If I tried to articulate myself even a week ago, this would just be filled with incomprehensible expletives.

That’s not to say my rage, or despair, or any of my feelings have gone away, but they’ve become more focused.

When I first heard the news break I thought….I’ve heard that before, that’s from several years ago… And it wasn’t. It was only because it was so familiar. There has never been a time when we haven’t been hearing this type of news.

I’ve worked in this field for over 35 years. And often when I’m hit with news stories like this and my overwhelming feeling is… Still? This is still happening? Why? Justice doesn’t seem to be moving forward.

I could spend this blog post telling you why this is happening again and again.

I’m not going to explain to you why the patriarchy benefits from the oppression of women. We all know why the patriarchy benefits from sowing doubt and disbelief at women’s stories. It’s because they can.

This is not to explain why they do this. We know why. This is a reach out to all the women feeling whatever you are feeling right now and to let you know you do not have to feel those overwhelming feelings alone.

This is for all the women who have had to live with the knowledge that the world is not a safe place for us and if our boundaries are crossed by a man or men, we will have to explain ourselves over and over and be found complicit in our own assault.

This is for all the women that have felt that their safety was their responsibility so that if they didn’t do everything right, they were somehow at fault.

This is for at all the women who had the courage to report and the response compounded their trauma….

This is simply for all women.

We are heartbroken and rage filled that this is still happening.

As a therapist we are here for all of your feelings.

The feeling of shame though, was never yours to carry in the first place. The feeling of shame belongs to someone else. The perpetrators. The feelings of shame keeps us feeling stuck and like we had something to do with our own victimisation.

This is untrue and the patriarchy benefits from us feeling this.

Please aim the shame and the rage where it belongs and that was never inwards at you. Aim it outwards. Aim it at a society that values the comfort of men who are rapists over believing women.

You might be feeling rage right now, you might be feeling triggered, you might be taken back to some very dark places. You may just feel abject despair on behalf of every Jane Doe.

Events around us can poke at our traumas in ways that are very uncomfortable and can feel completely overwhelming. You may have felt like you had already dealt with your past or have healed your wounds and may feel frustrated with yourself. The work of healing is not linear, this may be a wound we tend often.

I’m not going to tell you not to feel those things. But I am going let you know a few things that might help. Because that’s my job as a therapist.

The first and foremost is, do not carry this alone. Find a place you can voice those feelings and be heard. Find a place to tell your truth and to be believed. Even if you weren’t the first time.

Look around you and ask yourself what you need to feel a little safer and more grounded. Then if you can, ask someone you love or trust for help. Ask a trusted person to take a walk with you, let you rage and then try to notice the nature around you.

Let people that feel safe for you know what is going on. If they check in with you, you do not need to just say you are fine when you aren’t. Try saying something like this: The Cornell news is really upsetting me and making me feel all sorts of bad feelings. You don’t have to elaborate, you could just stop there if that is what feels right to you. You decide what you need.

Ask for help where you can, lend help to others when you are able. Both can be healing. Just listen to what feels right to you and what you have the capacity to do.

You do not have to carry this alone. There are many organisations, people, therapists, and maybe even your family, that can help you.

The patriarchy wants to keep us alone and filled with shame and fear. We heal in community with others. Reach out where you can. When we tell our stories and come together, we support each other and heal and we are a force.

We are powerful when we believe each other, support each other and stand together.

Please be gentle with yourselves. You do not need to consume all the media out there about this in order to support women. If you are finding it too much, it’s OK to step away.

Be gentle and kind to yourself and if you’re struggling, reach out for help.

You are not alone.

Resources

Here is a list of organisations for you can reach out for help. If you’re not sure where to start feel free to contact us and we will email back a list of suggestions or resources.

Salal Sexual Violence Support Center

Services are available to women, Two-Spirit, trans, non-binary, and gender diverse people, ages 14 and up, who have experienced sexualized violence.

https://www.salalsvsc.ca/

Crime Victims Assistance Program

Application for services if you have experienced sexual assault. This includes free counselling session with a CVAP approved provider.

https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/justice/criminal-justice/bcs-criminal-justice-system/if-you-are-a-victim-of-a-crime/victim-of-crime/cvap-forms

UBC

Sexual Violence Prevention and Response Office (SVPRO)

https://svpro.ubc.ca/support/medical-resources/#before-you-go-to-the-hospital

BC Women’s

https://www.bcwomens.ca/our-services/specialized-services/sexual-assault-service

AMS Sexual Assault Support Centre (SASC)