The Five Winning Strategies in a Relationship

The Five Winning Strategies 

(See the Five Losing Strategies in the previous post!)

Terry Real's five winning strategies offer a different way forward. They aren't about being perfect, suppressing your feelings, or becoming endlessly accommodating. They're about developing the skills that allow you to stay connected while still being honest about what you need. 

1. Listen to Understand 

This is the relational skill that replaces needing to be right 

When we feel criticised, we often stop listening to understand and start listening to defend. Our partner is still speaking, but we're already building our case. Listening to understand means temporarily setting aside your own reality and self-interest and becoming curious about your partner's subjective experience. 

What was this like for them? 

What did they hear? 

What did they feel? 

What did they need? 

The goal isn't to agree with everything they say. Understanding is not agreement. You can say: “I can understand why it felt that way for you, even though I experienced it differently.” 

When your partner feels genuinely heard, they are often more able to hear you in return. 

Before trying to make your point, try asking: “Can you tell me what this was like for you?” Then listen for the answer. 

2. Empower Each Other 

This is the relational skill that replaces controlling your partner 

Control attempts to create safety by managing another person. Empowerment takes a different approach: how can we create more power together? This might mean acknowledging your partner's strengths, supporting their growth, encouraging their independence, or finding ways for both people's needs to matter. 

Instead of:  “You need to do this differently.” 

Try:  “What would help us both handle this differently next time?” 

Empowerment also includes trusting yourself enough to express your own needs. If you tend to control, the work may be to loosen your grip. If you tend to people-please, the work may be to stop disappearing yourself. Both are about creating a relationship where two adults have a voice. 

3. Shift from Complaint to Request 

This is the relational skill that replaces unbridled self-expression 

The need underneath an outburst is usually legitimate: support, rest, reassurance. The delivery is what makes it impossible to hear. Criticism tends to produce defensiveness rather than change. 

Within each complaint, lies a request. The work is to take the need underneath the complaint, and turn it into a clear, specific, reasonable request. 

"You never help around the house" becomes "Could you take care of dinner on Tuesdays?" The first invites a defence. The second invites a yes. Before a hard conversation, try asking yourself: what do I hope will be different when this is over? Then say that. 

4. Speak with Love and Savvy 

This is the relational skill that replaces retaliation 

Retaliation is pain looking for somewhere to go. Speaking with love and savvy interrupts that pattern. Before you speak, check whether you're grounded in love. Remember that the person across from you is someone you care about and want to treat with love and respect. They are someone you want to stay connected to. Ask yourself: “Am I trying to repair something, or am I trying to punish?” Speaking with love doesn't mean being soft, vague, or passive. 

• You can be angry. 

• You can be direct. 

• You can have boundaries. 

• You can say something needs to change. 

The question is whether your words communicate: “I'm against you.” or: “I'm on your side, and this needs to change.” Loving firmness allows you to be both compassionate and clear. You might say: 

“I'm really angry about what happened, and I need you to understand how much it affected me. But I don't want to hurt you while we talk about it.” 

As Terry Real puts it, there is nothing harshness can accomplish that loving firmness can't do better. 

5. Cherish Each Other 

This is the relational skill that replaces withdrawal 

When a relationship becomes difficult, our attention can become trained on what's wrong. 

We notice the forgotten task. 

The irritating habit. 

The thing our partner didn't do. 

The tone we didn't like. 

And the more disconnected we become, the easier it is to see evidence that our partner is the problem. Cherishing deliberately turns our attention back towards what is good, valuable, and lovable in the person we're with. Terry Real describes our culture as “appreciation-deficient” - and struggling couples can become especially focused on what's missing. 

Cherishing doesn't require grand romantic gestures. It can be remarkably ordinary. 

“Thanks for making that appointment. I know you've had a lot on your plate.” 

“I noticed you checked in on me today. That meant a lot.” 

“I loved watching you with the kids tonight.” 

“You looked so beautiful when you were talking with our friends at dinner. I love watching you in your element”. 

Specific appreciation lands differently from a general “thanks for everything.” Over time, these small acts of recognition help create a relationship that feels more like a refuge than a battleground. 

Bringing It Into Everyday Moments 

You don't need to remember an entire therapy model when you're in the middle of an argument. Instead, try asking yourself: 

● Who is at the wheel right now? 

● Which strategy has my adaptive child reached for right now and how can I move to my mature adult self? 

● Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to understand? 

● Am I trying to control my partner, or can I support both of us to have more agency? 

● Am I dumping my feelings or complaining, or can I turn the underlying need into a saavy request? 

● Am I trying to punish, or can I speak with loving firmness? 

● Am I disappearing, or can I take healthy space and find my way back? 

● Am I only focusing on the negative, and is there something specific I can appreciate about my partner? 

No couple does this perfectly.

The goal isn't to become a couple who never argues, never gets triggered, or never falls into old patterns. The goal is to catch the pattern a little sooner. To pause a little earlier. To repair a little more often. And to become better at finding your way back to each other. 

5 key takeaways:

• Connection Over Perfection: The goal of a healthy relationship is not to never argue, but to catch negative patterns sooner, pause earlier, and repair more often.

• Understanding is Not Agreement: True listening requires you to temporarily set aside your own reality to be curious about your partner's experience, even if you see things differently.

• Actionable Requests Over Criticism: Emotional outbursts usually stem from legitimate needs; turning a vague complaint into a specific request makes it easier for your partner to say yes.

• Loving Firmness Beats Harshness: You can be angry, direct, and hold strong boundaries without trying to punish or retaliate against your partner.

• Active Appreciation Fights Disconnection: Relationships can become "appreciation-deficient," making it vital to deliberately notice and specifically voice ordinary things you value about your partner.