To Learn that your Boundaries Matter

It is so hard to remember those moments in our childhood when we first started to set boundaries, but how these boundaries were received, and keep getting received, play a role in how we feel about setting them to this day.

You chose your outfit for your first day of classes, but your parental figure said it was silly, and that you should look your best for all the new people.

You told a family member “No,” to a hug because you felt uncomfortable, but were still forced into the embrace because, “You have to hug family, it means you love them.”

You asked your best friend to keep your secret crush to themselves, but the next day at school your crush won’t make eye contact with you, and your classmates laugh and make kissy sounds every time you try to talk to them.

You're packing up to head out at the end of your shift, but your leader pops in and tells you that you have to stay longer. You point out that your work is complete, that you worked your whole mandated shift, and that you have an appointment that you need to make, yet you are now being told you need to be a team player and stay anyway.

You said you’re going home after having a couple drinks on a date with a friend or paramour you were excited about connecting with, and they proceed to push you to stay out later for “just one more drink,” anyway. You firmly say no, ask the server for the bill, gather your things and your date just scoffs, throws their hands up in the air, and starts walking away while uttering, “Bitch,” under their breath.

Do any of these sound familiar?

The boundaries we try to establish for ourselves are constantly being demanded upon, forced to expand or change, and are sometimes even fully ignored, and it’s just accepted as “normal.” 

It is valid, and even helpful, to check-in with your boundaries and allow them to shift as you change and grow. A constant accumulation of moments in which you are quietly taught that your boundaries don’t matter can make asking for what you want, need or desire feel selfish, and like you are wrong for expressing yourself.

But I need you to know that your boundaries matter.

Boundaries are for you. They are yours. They are your ever-evolving operating system, and if someone tries to hack your firewall, that is about them. You can share your manual with whoever you want, and it is entirely up to them whether they follow the established program, or end up in the trouble shooting or problem solving section. They may even push too hard against the code, break the system and lose you, but that is on them, not you. You also get to choose if you let someone restart.

That does not mean the boundary you set was wrong.

You may even find that you're the only one upset with yourself when you set boundaries. That could be because, until now, you've only been shown that this is how things are supposed to be. But you can unearth old stories, question them, and begin to choose and believe in, new ones.