Not You and Me, But Us
Key Takeaways
This article examines how the Indigenous Kichwa concept of Sumak Kawsay and Terry Real's relationship psychology challenge Western hyper-individualism to advocate for relational interdependence. By viewing relationships as interconnected ecosystems rather than competitive arenas, individuals can move beyond defensive survival strategies and foster collaborative well-being.
Sumak Kawsay teaches that a good life is rooted in harmony with nature, community, and the cosmos, not just material success.
Hyper-individualism and competition in Western culture lead to disconnection from others and the environment.
Relationships and communities are ecosystems; our wellbeing depends on the health of these systems.
Interdependence—balancing autonomy with shared responsibility—creates healthier, more collaborative relationships.
Self-awareness of our attachment patterns and protective behaviors is key to personal and relational growth.
Embracing collaboration and shared flourishing benefits individuals, relationships, communities, and the planet.
Not You and Me, But Us: How the Kichwa principle of Sumak Kawsay can help us live the “good life”
Travelling and immersing myself in different cultures has always been a passion of mine. I love trying new foods, seeing new places, and learning about the ways of knowing, doing, and being that guide local communities. But again and again, I find myself drawn not only to place, but to relational worlds - to the ways people cultivate relational wellbeing and harmony with themselves, their partners, their families, their communities, and the natural world.
I was fortunate to have the chance to trek through the Amazon and while deep in the jungle learn about the Indigenous Kichwa principle of Sumak Kawsay. In the original Quechua phrase, sumak refers to the “good” or “beautiful” fulfilment of the planet. Kawsay means "life”. In the context of the Amazon and Andean regions, it represents a worldview of living in harmony with nature, community, and the cosmos, rather than focusing on material wealth or hyper-individualism. Together, this philosophy points toward a life of dignity, balance, plenitude, and harmony.
At this same time as learning about Sumak Kawsay, I was reading Terry Real’s “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship”.
Reading Us while reflecting on Sumak Kawsay gave me a new lens through which to understand something I see repeatedly in my work as a relational psychotherapist.
Our Western, capitalist culture can teach us to see ourselves as fundamentally separate and self-sufficient. We are encouraged to become independent, protect ourselves, assert ourselves, compete, achieve, and look out for our own interests. There is certainly value in autonomy. We need healthy boundaries and to maintain a balanced sense of separateness.
But the pendulum can swing too far. When independence becomes hyper-independence, and separateness is no longer balanced with togetherness, we lose sight of something fundamental: we are relational creatures.
Our society has detached us from the truth that we do not exist outside of nature and systems. We exist within them. Our wellbeing and flourishing are deeply rooted within the wellbeing and flourishing of our relationships.
The Cost of Hyper-Individualism
We are shaped by our families, our communities, our environments, our histories, our relationships, and our natural world. Our nervous systems are constantly responding to the people and environments around us. We are attachment creatures. We are wired for connection and co-regulation. We have forgotten this. And now, not only is our present toxicly individualistic culture wreaking havoc on our planet, but it is also showing up in our intimate relationships.
When our primary orientation is toward me, relationships can become competitions. We try to be right; We try to win; We react to protect our image; We become defensive; We withdraw; We retaliate; We try to control; We operate with contempt. And we may “win”, feel personally gratified, or obtain a sense of power. But when we operate under the illusion of being self-sufficient islands, our systems face the consequences. Without the life force of relationality, our systems cannot thrive and we become more isolated, disconnected, and defended.
The Shift To Ecological Wisdom
“The question is simple. How are we to live on this planet? In control, as you and me? Or in harmony, as us?” - Terry Real
What if our relationships are not things that exist outside of us, things we manage, fix, control, or extract from? What if they are ecosystems that we are part of? Think about an ecosystem. We don't stand above it. We exist within it. Its health affects us, and our actions affect its health. Our intimate relationships work in much the same way.
As Terry notes, our relationships are our biospheres: We don’t stand above them, we are inside of them, we depend on them. It’s an act of enlightened self-interest to care for them. When we can wake up and start living relationally with ourselves, our partners, our families, our communities, and our natural environment - we start operating with our systems in mind. Not just us, and not without us.
Interdependence, Not Dependence
Finding the balance between separateness and togetherness is an age-old question we ask in our relationships. Relationality does not mean becoming dependent on another person for your sense of self. It does not mean abandoning boundaries, tolerating mistreatment, or taking responsibility for someone else's behaviour. And our autonomy does not have to undermine the system. We can move away from codependence without swinging all the way into hyper-independence.
The goal is interdependence: I am responsible for myself, you are responsible for yourself, and we are also responsible for what happens between us. This is where the concept of “us” becomes so powerful. We are not separate people negotiating from opposite sides of a battlefield. We are two people participating in a shared system.
Learning Where We Operate From, and Owning It
If we want to live more relationally, we first have to become curious about where we are operating from. Our attachment experiences shape the way we understand ourselves, other people, and relationships. If our early experiences taught our nervous system that connection came with risk, shame, rejection, insecurity, unpredictability, or unsafety, we may carry that lens into our adult relationships.
We may learn to protect ourselves by being right, becoming defensive, controlling, withdrawing, or retaliating. These behaviours can look like problems in a relationship, but underneath them is often a protective part of us trying to keep us safe.
In these moments, it is not always our wise adult self at the wheel. Sometimes, it is the adaptive child. That child developed these strategies for a reason. They were intelligent adaptations to the circumstances we were in at the time. But what once helped us survive can eventually prevent us from experiencing the kind of connection we long for. We need to learn how to take those sticky little hands off the wheel and step back in as the wise adult.
The work is not to shame or get rid of these protective parts. It is to recognize them, understand them, and choose whether they still need to be in charge.
Especially in the heat of conflict, we can ask ourselves:
How do I recenter myself into the part of me that can see beyond my own immediate survival?
Can I widen my perspective enough to see the larger ecology I am part of?
Can I remember that my wellbeing and the wellbeing of my relationship are interconnected?
Can I respond from the part of me that cares not only about protecting me, but about protecting us?
Find Common Ground
Relationality asks us to come back to eye level. You are no greater than anyone else, and you are no less. Bring yourself to eye level with the people in your system, with your partner, your family, your community, and even with nature. This does not mean minimizing differences or pretending everyone has equal responsibility in every situation. It means holding the inherent dignity of yourself and others with equal warm regard. It means remembering that you are not above the system you are trying to navigate.
You are part of it. When we can see ourselves this way, we become less interested in domination and more interested in collaboration.
Less interested in winning and more interested in creating conditions where everyone can flourish.
We begin to ask not only -
“What do I need?” but also:
“What does this relationship need?”
“What does this system need?”
“What would support the wellbeing of us?”
And perhaps this is the heart of relational living: learning to hold ourselves with care while simultaneously remembering that we are never only ourselves.
Remember Love
When your adaptive child is activated, and you feel the pull into toxic individuality, one of the most important things we can do is look across at the other person and remember:
This is not my adversary or competition.
We are on the same side.
This is the person I love.
This is the person whose life is intertwined with mine.
This is the person with whom I am trying to create a relationship that feels safe, respectful, dignified, and alive.
We Have Been Given the Map
Many cultures around the world have long held that a good, beautiful, and fulfilling life is embedded within community, nature, and larger relational systems. For me, Sumak Kawsay offered a powerful reminder of this. It asks us to reconsider what we mean when we talk about wellbeing. Our wellbeing is contingent on our returning to ecological wisdom. Our relationships are ecosystems. Our communities are ecosystems. The planet is an ecosystem. The invitation is to remember the teachings of cultures that have long understood what modern individualism can make us forget:
We do not belong outside of the system. We belong within them.
Not you and me. Us.
“The world of us, of interdependence, rests on a foundation of collaboration — collaboration with nature, with one another, with the inspiration that sometimes passes through us. The world of us is a realm of innovation and abundance. The world of win-win. But individualism rests on a foundation of competition—competition with nature, with one another. It bestows a lordly sense that you are your own source of inspiration. It’s the world of win-lose.”
Frequently asked questions
-
Sumak Kawsay is a Kichwa principle meaning "good life" or "beautiful life," rooted in harmony with nature, community, and the cosmos. Unlike Western ideals that often focus on material wealth and individual achievement, Sumak Kawsay emphasizes dignity, balance, and interconnectedness
-
Hyper-individualism, common in Western cultures, leads to disconnection from others and the environment. It fosters competition, defensiveness, and isolation, undermining both personal relationships and the health of the planet
-
By seeing relationships as ecosystems we are part of, not as things to control or manage. Our wellbeing is deeply tied to the health of these relational systems, and caring for them benefits everyone involved
-
Dependence means relying on others for your sense of self or wellbeing, often leading to unhealthy dynamics. Interdependence is a balanced state where individuals maintain autonomy while sharing responsibility for the relationship, fostering mutual support and collaboration.
-
By becoming aware of their own attachment patterns and protective behaviors, individuals can consciously choose more adaptive, adult responses. This involves recognizing when old patterns no longer serve and intentionally acting in ways that support both self and relationship.
-
The article invites readers to shift from competition and domination to collaboration and shared flourishing. By embracing interdependence and ecological wisdom, we can create conditions where individuals, relationships, communities, and the planet all thrive
