The Spark Myth And What Else to Look For When Dating…
The Spark Myth And What Else to Look For When Dating
Attraction matters. Alignment sustains.
The idea of “the spark” is one of our most romanticised cultural narratives. We’re taught- through movies, books, and dating culture - to look for that lightning-bolt moment: instant chemistry that seems to signal who is meant for us. That electric pull can be intoxicating, exciting, and deeply validating. It often carries aliveness, desire, and a sense of wanting to move toward someone.
And that matters.
Attraction and curiosity are important. We want to feel drawn in, interested, and open. The spark can be a beautiful starting point, a signal that something has our attention and is worth exploring.
But while chemistry can open the door, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Spark without substance isn’t wrong, it’s just incomplete. Intensity alone doesn’t reliably tell us whether something, and someone, is aligned.
If intensity is what you’re looking for - if you want a hot, immediate, fiery connection - carry on! Truly. Sometimes we are not seeking longevity or relational scaffolding. Different seasons of life call for different experiences.
But if you’ve been there - and you’re wanting something more rooted, more steady, more enduring - if you’re noticing that chasing the spark hasn’t led to the kind of relationship you long for, this is for you.
Many lasting relationships aren’t defined by sparks that happen to us, but by sparks that are cultivated. Unfortunately, this isn’t what our culture tends to highlight. We see far fewer stories celebrating the slow, meaningful process of getting curious, navigating uncertainty, building trust, and allowing attraction to deepen over time.
Who you choose to partner with is one of the most significant decisions you will make. And while spark can signal interest and possibility, on its own it isn’t a reliable indicator of emotional alignment or long-term relational capacity.
So if spark isn’t meant to be our compass, what else can guide us?
The Not-Knowing Phase
This article isn’t a promise of certainty, ease, or “finding the one.” The early stages of dating are, by nature, uncertain. And that uncertainty isn’t a flaw - it’s the terrain.
Where spark can offer a sense of immediacy and certainty (often more imagined than real), the not-knowing phase invites us into curiosity, presence, and discovery. It asks us to gather information rather than rush to conclusions.
What I hope to offer are ways of navigating early dating that include attraction while also attending to the quieter signals that reveal whether something has the potential to grow. There is an incredible amount of information available in these early moments, about ourselves and the other person, if we don’t move past them too quickly.
Sit With the Spark (Don’t Let It Drive)
When chemistry appears, the invitation isn’t to dismiss it, but to be with it. Spark often comes with novelty, arousal, and dopamine surges. These feelings are delightful and can create a fun, sexy, enlivening context. They can also narrow our focus.
Instead of letting the spark take the wheel, let it take a seat beside you.
Notice it. Feel it. Reflect on it. Journal. Talk with trusted friends. Then look beneath it. This is where self-honesty comes in - a re-orientation back to self.
Beyond this initial pull, this spark, what do I look for in creating a deep, enduring connection that can grow into sustainable love?
Green Flags That Matter More Than Chemistry
These are some of the signs we can look for in the early stages of dating that can offer insight beyond spark and point toward potential for a fulfilling, sustainable connection:
Can they repair?
Every relationship experiences ruptures; what predicts long-term security is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to repair when disconnection occurs.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do they come back and seek repair?
Can they take accountability?
Do they try to understand my experience?
Can they offer forgiveness?
Can they be vulnerable?
Vulnerability is the gateway to emotional intimacy and tells us whether someone can move beyond surface-level connection. Brené Brown invites us to understand vulnerability as the willingness to be seen as our true selves without a guaranteed outcome.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Can they share their thoughts,feelings, and opinions?
Can they stay present for hard conversations?
Are they willing to show interest and care for me? Caring is cool. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you.
Can they mind boundaries?
Boundaries are the bridges of true connection and how we prioritise relationships. Healthy relationships require clear boundaries, not as walls, but as structures that make safety and closeness possible (see blog on boundaries to learn more).
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do they respect the edges of where I end and where they begin?
Can I stay true to my authenticity?
Do they see my boundaries as something to honour, not overcome?
Can they self-regulate?
Emotional regulation shapes how someone handles stress, conflict, and closeness - especially when things feel uncomfortable.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do they take responsibility for their emotional experiences?
Can they pause and respond rather than react?
Do they understand their own internal landscape?
Are they reliable?
Consistency builds trust over time, and trust is created through small, repeated moments rather than grand gestures. When dating, notice the little things.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do their actions match their words?
Do they follow through?
Are they consistent?
Do our core values align? Shared values provide a foundation and compass for navigating decisions, challenges, and the direction of a relationship.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do we want similar things?
Do we care about similar values?
Can I envision alignment moving forward?
Do they move at a reasonable pace?
Sustainable connection unfolds gradually, allowing trust and intimacy to scaffold and deepen. Connection cannot be fast-tracked.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Are they willing to tolerate the discomfort of the not-knowing phase and centre curiosity rather than bypass for false certainty?
Are they willing to take the time getting to know me?
Are they avoiding premature talk of forever, kids, or big commitments? It is important to establish values (such as wanting children). And clarity of shared wants and values is not the same as lovebombing.
Does your support system feel good about them?
Our trusted people can often see patterns we may overlook when we’re emotionally close.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Do I feel comfortable sharing about this relationship with a few trusted friends or family?
Is their feedback supportive?
Can they demonstrate empathy?
Empathy allows us to feel seen and understood, especially during moments of difference or distress.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Are they curious about my inner world?
Can they step outside their own experience to honour mine?
Can they communicate clearly?
Clear communication reduces confusion and builds emotional safety by making expectations, needs, and intentions visible. As cheesy as it sounds, communication is key. You do not want to be left decoding mixed signals or surviving on crumbs of insight.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Can they listen and express themselves?
Can they stay present for difficult conversations?
Do they implement what I share?
Do they have a growth mindset?
A growth-oriented partner is someone who can reflect, adapt, and evolve, both individually and within the relationship.
Questions we can ask ourselves include:
Are they engaged in their own personal growth?
Do they pursue interests?
Are they open to learning, expansion, and change?
Do they seem open and willing to strengthen in the green flag areas that pose as personal challenges?
Training the Nervous System Away From the Spark Trap
When we begin to notice these signs and slow ourselves down, we retrain our nervous system to orient toward alignment instead of intensity.
This is how spark is built - over time.
Sometimes, we will not feel the same immediate and engulfing chemistry of past “sparks”.
Instead of asking after a first date, “Did I feel the spark?”
Try asking:
Do I feel curious?
Do I feel steady?
Do I feel like myself?
What part of me is leading right now, the seeking intensity, or one seeking connection?
Can I stay open long enough to find out what might grow here?
Beyond the Fantasy
Our culture loves the fantasy of “the one” arriving with fireworks and certainty. But real relationships rarely begin fully formed. Often, attraction is just an opening, something warm enough to invite us closer.
Connection is built through mutual engagement: showing up again, staying curious, letting ourselves be known, and discovering what exists beyond first impressions.
Through presence, pacing, and orientation toward alignment - we may find more than a spark, but an enduring fire.
Reach out if you want to explore this further!
