Boundaries - Part Two - Creating Secure Connection Through Self-Allyship

In part one of this mini-series on boundaries, we explored what boundaries are, what they are not, and how to take them. In theory, this can look like a clear roadmap, but in reality, it can leave many feeling more lost. When we turn inward to identify our boundaries, we can find that our edges are unknown even to ourselves. We sometimes find our limits only when we have been pushed to the very edge, and they come roaring at us, finally having had enough. If this is you, you are not broken or alone. 

As children, nine times out of ten, we sacrifice our authenticity to preserve attachment. If our needs, wants, and emotions are not accepted, we can internalise a narrative that there is a version of ourselves we must be to be safe, loved, and secure. So we will abandon all the rejected parts to ensure the security of our connections. In adulthood, this protective adaptation can leave us feeling disconnected from our knowing. We may begin to wear the labels of “people pleaser”, “anxiously attached”, or “avoidant”. But these aren’t identities - they are the strategies that kept us safe when authenticity was too risky. And indeed they did. But now, they are no longer serving us or allowing for the deep connection we want. 

Boundaries Require Discernment 

Taking boundaries is not just about saying no. It is about discerning why we are saying no. There is a difference between protecting our authenticity and well-being, compared to avoiding tension, effort, or discomfort. 

“Protect your peace” is a common phrase. Our peace and well-being are essential, but peace does not mean constant calm or ease. Real peace is not the absence of challenges; it is navigating these moments from a grounded place without abandoning ourselves. 

Boundaries do not free us from the responsibility of being human in a relationship with other humans. Being connected means tolerating frustration, annoyance, and sometimes doing things we do not feel like doing - not because we are abandoning ourselves, but because we are investing in the well-being of the relationship. 

The same goes for discerning why we are saying “yes”. There is a difference between doing what is good for the relationship and sacrificing our limits. 

Every relationship has weather: tension, irritation, flare-ups. Therapist Terrence Real calls this “normal marital hatred” - moments where you think, I cannot stand you right now - which is very different from harmful boundary violation. The challenge is discerning whether this is a passing storm or the ongoing climate of the relationship. If a pattern consistently requires you to sacrifice your limits to maintain peace, that is self-abandonment. 

How to Begin Practising Self-Allyship 

Build Conscious Awareness. 

Attune to the subtle signals that arise - tension in your shoulders, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, or a pit in your stomach. These sensations reveal where your edges truly are. Notice how your body responds when old survival strategies activate; each reaction carries valuable information about what needs care and attention. 

Ask yourself, “What are my feelings and body sensations trying to tell me?” 

One of the clearest signals that a boundary needs tending is resentment. Resentment often appears when we’ve stepped out of alignment with our truth and limits. It’s the body’s way of saying, something here is surpassing what feels safe or authentic. Another sign is when we take on someone else’s emotional experience as our own - when their peace becomes the condition for ours. 

And welcome back anger. Anger is not the enemy - it’s a messenger, inviting us to take action and restore balance when something is off. Reconnecting with that sense of injustice can be deeply empowering. When we learn to sit with anger, rather than suppress or act it out, we create the space to respond consciously instead of slipping into detached resentment or enmeshed co-dependence. 

Cultivate Regulating Strategies 

After attuning to your limits, ask, “What is one small way I can nurture this part? What grounding strategies can help me stay present with this experience? 

Recognise Who's at the Wheel 

When you feel the pull to collapse your edges or build walls, ask, “Who’s at the wheel?” More often than not, it's the child in you still looking for safety, and the protectors who worked tirelessly to provide it. 

Connect To Your Meaning 

Cultivate a deeper connection with your intuition, sense of meaning, and the purpose that guides you. Spiritual, religious, philosophical, political, or creative, it offers space to pause, realign, and make sense of your experiences through a lens that truly fits you. This might look like engaging in meditation, prayer, spending time in nature, reconnecting with your community, creating, or reflecting on what brings you closer to a sense of belonging and wholeness. 

Ground in Self-Compassion 

Boundaries are a practice, not an event. 

For as long as these strategies have worked to keep you safe, it takes time to build new patterns. Turn toward this adaptive part of yourself with compassion. “I am sorry you weren’t accepted for just being you. It's okay that this feels hard. I am here now - and I have got us”. Remember, perfection is not the goal. Forgive yourself for using the strategies that kept you safe. 

Start Small — Choosing Our Hard 

Our nervous system needs to consistently see us take boundaries and practice self-allyship before it begins to trust this as a safe option. We can start small by asking, “What is the smallest promise I can keep to myself?” - to take that walk, eat enough, get enough rest. 

Alongside ourselves, is there someone safe we can practice with? Maybe we suggest the movie or restaurant we’d prefer, even if it’s different from their choice. Sometimes it’s taking a boundary quietly - turning off your phone and saying you’re heading to bed early when really you’re giving yourself space to unwind. 

For many, cultural or relational dynamics make firm boundaries feel unsafe or impossible. That reality is valid. And yet, when our boundaries are crossed, the impact lingers - often as resentment, self-abandonment, or quiet isolation. 

Boundaries are something we take, not demand. So the question becomes: what boundary feels available right now? Maybe it’s a physical one - taking the scenic route to work - or an emotional one - keeping parts of your life private, investing in relationships that feel safe, or sharing a knowing look with a sibling,“I see this too”. That inner witnessing counts. 

We may not always be able to change the situation, but we can stop gaslighting ourselves. We can tell the truth inside: “This is crossing my boundary, and while I may not be able to change it yet, I won’t abandon the part of me that knows it’s not okay.” 

Through these small, consistent acts of self-allyship, we learn we don’t have to abandon ourselves to stay safe. When we honour our truth and our limits, we create space for real connection - bridges where intimacy and authenticity can coexist. 

Andriana