Boundaries, Part One - Building The Bridge to Connection

In recent years, the conversation around boundaries has grown both online and in our personal lives. As central to our individual and relational well-being, this is a positive thing; the more informed and comfortable we are talking about boundaries, the more empowered we feel in navigating them. At the same time, there remain many misconceptions, conflicting perspectives, and personal challenges that arise when it comes to boundaries. In part one of this mini-series, I want to offer some insight into what boundaries are, what they are not, and how we can begin taking boundaries that deepen connection rather than build walls in our relationships. 

What Are Boundaries? 

I often invite clients to imagine their boundaries as bridges to authenticity and connection. Boundaries help us locate the edges of where we end and others begin. They keep us grounded in our values, needs, limits, desires, and emotional experience while allowing others to stay grounded in theirs. 

Boundaries emerge from self-awareness. They come from a place of attunement with our inner knowing. 

Boundaries are adaptive. They are collaborative and continuously shift in response to context and changing dynamics. When we stay in relationship with our boundaries rather than setting them once and never checking in, we become more attuned to ourselves and others. Boundaries that breathe create space for relationships that grow and evolve. 

Boundaries are an action we take to protect our well-being and the relationship. This sounds like “Here is what I will do with myself to stay present, honest, and well.” 

Boundaries are how we prioritise our relationship. We set boundaries as part of maintaining the well-being and sustainability of the relationship. In this sense, boundaries are acts of care that communicate our investment and love for both people and the relationship. 

What Boundaries Are Not 

Boundaries are not requests, but the limit of where we can show up without abandoning our authenticity. So often we get stuck trying to convince the other to give us permission or mind the limit for us. But boundaries are not dependent on someone else’s permission and they are our responsibility to name and implement. We don’t set boundaries to see if others will accept them - and often, we don’t even have to announce them. We simply change our behaviour. 

Boundaries are not walls or punishments. It can be tempting to withdraw or punish under the label of “setting a boundary,” but there is a difference between taking space versus walling off or meeting your needs versus retaliating. One protects the connection; the other severs it. 

Boundaries are not set in stone. They are adaptable and can shift with time, trust, and changing needs. 

Boundaries are not about controlling others. In the wise words of Melody Beattie “boundaries are to take care of ourselves, not to control others”. We TAKE boundaries; we do not impose them. Control says, “You must change so I can feel safe.” taking a boundary says, “I will take the action I need to care for myself.” 

Boundaries are not driven by survival. Boundaries rooted in survival, where our fear of being hurt, rejected, misunderstood, or overwhelmed leads us to react rather than respond. They act more like shields than expressions of truth. Boundaries that are set in stone, walls or punishing, or offered as requests speak to one’s own sense of being unsafe in relationships. When “boundaries” become either a fortress or collapsed, both indicate a nervous system that learned being in connection required abandonment. 

How to Take a Boundary 

Build Conscious Awareness. 

Take up a relationship with your body and feelings. Notice physical cues like tension, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, or a pit in your stomach. These signals often arise before your mind notices a boundary has been met. Becoming familiar with them helps you recognise what your edges feel like. 

Ground Yourself in Love. 

Boundaries are acts of care - for yourself and for the relationship. Centre yourself in love and compassion before taking the next step. 

Get Clear on the Boundary. 

Clarity is kindness for yourself and others. Boundaries are not vague feelings of discomfort - they are the actionable steps for how your partner can honour your limits and how you will care for yourself if a situation continues. 

Communicate Responsibly. 

Speak from your experience rather than blame. For example: “I care about you and want to stay connected. When this happens, I feel uncomfortable, so here is what I am going to do.” Requests need to be welcomed in partnerships, and we can invite our partners to collaborate on ways they can meet our needs. But the boundary is the action you take. 

Take the Boundary 

So often we get stuck trying to convince others to permit our boundary or mind the limit for us. To reiterate, boundaries are not dependent on someone else’s permission, and they are our responsibility to name and implement. We don’t set boundaries to see if others will accept them - and often, we don’t even have to announce them. We simply change our behaviour. If you need some space, but naming this need will cause too great a rupture, can you take the dog for an extra-long walk? If phone calls with your family stop being successful after 20 minutes, but naming this would be too great a risk to the connection, can you call on your commute to work to offer it a natural closing? Notice the urge to convince or have your boundaries accepted, and see where you can take them instead.

Release Control Over Others’ Reactions. 

Accept that others may react from their own wounding. We can let our partner know how they can help the relationship, but we cannot control how they show up. As Iyanla Vanzant says, “you do not get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love”. 

Mind the Boundary Over Time. 

This is often the hardest part. Discomfort, guilt, and the urge to backtrack are normal. And it can take others time to adapt to the changes your boundary brings. These moments are where real growth happens. Internal boundaries teach your inner self that your needs and desires matter. You might think: This feels hard. I feel exposed. I want to fix it. And still, I will not abandon myself. 

In essence, healthy boundaries allow us to be truly known and to show up wholly. That wholeness is what makes real intimacy possible. 

Reach out if you would like to explore boundaries in a session.

Andriana